It starts innocent enough. You may be cautious when making decisions or working on projects. Or maybe you’re new and want to make a good impression, so you’re spending extra time at work. Or maybe you run your own business and spend your time working on your job. I’m very passionate about my vision. Or maybe you say yes to every request or invitation because you genuinely want your patients or clients to feel valued, or because you want your colleagues to like you.
Without realizing it, you feel exhausted, resentful, and overloaded. And I don’t know how to stop that pattern.
with a neuropsychologist energy rise Author Julia DiGangi calls this behavior “over.” According to Dr. Digangi, it all comes down to our emotions and emotional energy. “The brain is literally a machine that runs on emotional energy. And emotion is the native language of every human being on the planet. Often we receive a lot of direct and indirect messages that tell us we can’t express our emotions. But when we do this, repression sets in. Instead of just experiencing our emotions and letting them out, we are often so afraid of feeling our emotions that we hold on to them, and we hold on to them. creates this impasse, which leads to dysfunction.”
Why do we think too much, work too much, and give too much?
LifeStance Health therapist Nicholette Leanza, LPCC-S, has seen this all too often in her work. “Some of the reasons people do things like this, in addition to being people pleasers, are if they tend to be pretty anxious. As a therapist, I know that anxiety is prevalent, And I’ve come to understand that we shouldn’t underestimate how it can affect almost every aspect of a person’s life, including work. Overthinking can also lead to anxiety (somewhat giving too much is a direct result of a “people-pleasing” tendency. When you combine these two, you see someone who tends to be “overworked” at work. ”
Such anxieties can run very deep. Dr. DiGangi has spent nearly two decades studying the relationship between our brains and behavior, working with the White House Press Office, global corporations, international NGOs, US Special Forces leaders, and even marginalized communities. Ta. International development and humanitarian aid. Overall, she has seen some of the root causes of overs come to light.
Fear is one thing. This may also be related to feeling like you’re in danger, even if you’re not, thanks to your nervous system’s ability to perceive threats where there are none. there is. “There’s a hell of a difference between working and overworking. There’s a galactic difference between thinking and overthinking, and giving and giving too much,” she explains. To do. The difference has to do with the energy at the core of their actions. When fear is your emotional driver, you’re more likely to fall into the “done” category because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t think, try, or give your all, she says. explains.
Specifically, a very common underlying fear is uncertainty (fear of the unknown) and fear of being unworthy. Wanting to avoid that discomfort and protect ourselves from the fear that arises can lead us to overcompensate through our actions. Dr. DiGangi said that to begin to change, you first need to recognize the problem and say to yourself: “Until I die, kindness will continue.”
How to change the pattern
“Emotions almost always precede actions,” says Dr. DiGangi. ” If uncertainty is driving your behavior, paying close attention to where it’s coming from can help you develop a plan to find ground.
Leenza says, “Using stress and anxiety coping skills and breaking patterns of overthinking and people-pleasing can help people maintain balance in their lives.” Breaking the Pattern The key is to recognize when you’re doing it and do something to distract yourself from the thoughts and break the pattern. ” For an over-pleaser, this may look like “setting boundaries with others who may take advantage of you.” It’s also important to challenge the negative thoughts that come up and give yourself space.
Dr. DiGangi recommends reframing what you think of as your goals for how you want to feel. “Most people think that the opposite of uncertainty is certainty, and that’s why they try to do all these overs. But the opposite of uncertainty is not certainty; The idea is that whatever happens, it’s going to be okay.”
Leanza offers some positive affirmations to repeat to yourself, including:
– My needs and boundaries are important and should be respected. – Saying “no” is a healthy expression of my boundaries and self-esteem.
– I am not responsible for other people’s feelings or reactions.
– I am enough as I am and I don’t need to constantly seek approval or recognition from others.